What I have learned during my FCM (Foundation for Counseling Ministry),,,
I used to say that I can trust in God, but I can’t trust myself.
And I also used to easily find myself hearing from my heart “ I am useless and I am not lovable". One thing I realized in this counseling school was that what I was saying to myself was actually that I was saying to God, “God created me useless”. God has spoken to me about this through many different things, doing my journal, reading some books, and finally speaking to me directly; “You look gorgeous to Me, so don’t let others determine how you look. Don’t let the enemy despise on how you look because it means that you let the enemy despise my masterpiece. This would be one little step of how you can also praise and worship Me.”
After listening to this from God, I have convinced that I was sinning against Him as despising myself, whom God has created. So, I had to ask Him for forgiveness that I have done that so many times throughout my life. I started weeping as soon as realizing this thinking that I have almost cursed God as cursing myself.
‘Walls of My heart by Bruce & Barbara Tompson’ confirms my realization that self-pity is not only a bad habit; it’s also a sin. The more we indulge in it, the easier it is to shift into this thinking pattern whenever disagreeable circumstances confront us.
And Tompson says in their book that many people are obsessed with the fear of failure, and when they do fail, they seem unable to recover and learn from the experience. Instead, they fall apart, pre-programmed to believe the words they were told as children. I believe that it is one of the reasons why I had been so stuck with the wrong belief, ‘I am useless’. Through my life experiences, I had been pre-programmed to believe about myself that I am useless.
What I have also realized is that pre-programmed beliefs out of my past experiences can hinder from bringing down the truths to my heart from my head. This gave me an understanding of why it is so important to look back to my past and deal with the wounds in my heart. Otherwise, I can totally act differently than what I actually believe with my mind because another belief is engraved in my heart.
So, I have seen once again that having a surgery for the wounds of my heart is painful but necessary. And I am thankful to God because I believe that He has brought much powerful healing to my heart during this time than ever before.
